Make the tiny men stop jackhammering inside my head

Although I never like to admit to the fact that I got so hammered that I can't think straight right now for the gigantic headache that's pounding in my head, such is the case this morning. (Or should I say afternoon) It was well deserved however, and I don't blame my head for punishing me for last night. You see, we (me and my roomate) got invited to a little thing called a cocktail party. This was the annual cocktail party that we are invited to every year. A big bunch of gay boys hosts a cocktail party and we are some of the token fag hags. woo! So, every year we think we'll make it by around 9 and every damn year we don't show up till 11. This year was no exception. This was a little sad because I kind of wanted to go meet a co worker after stopping by the party, but that was NOT going to happen and you'll realize why when you hear the rest of this story. So, we begin around 2 pm shopping for the "perfect dress" for me. which by the way is impossible to find and led to me having an emotional breakdown because I'm fat and nothing fits and my roommate getting pissed at me cause she's trying to help me pick out clothes to try on and in the end I buy stockings and a sweater and decide to wear a fucking dress I ALREADY have! So, we get ready and by get ready I mean procrastinate for around an hour and a half (which was just enough time for me to have it out with the guy that I was seeing and am not anymore and decide that we're not going to speak anymore to give ourselves a "breath") and then we sucked down 2-3 glasses of wine while doing hair, putting on clothes, make-up, etc.

The wine helps you to look hotter, we truly believe this.

This is not either of us, but it could be.

When all this is said and done, it is announced by my roomie that our friend from Seattle is coming over as she is in town and wants to get out of her brother's house, sweet, a threesome! So she shows up and is wearing JEANS?! What the fuck is wrong with this girl? Does she not know we are going to a cocktail party?~! She needs to be fabulous, like us. I mean come on, My roommate was wearing backseam tights and I had on a tiara, seriously. So we doll her up (which takes even more time) and then finally (AFTER my roommate sits on the phone outside on the porch with her ex's brother for like 20 minutes) get into the car and get going, but FIRST, we have to stop to buy wine! (did I mention we're lushes?) we arrive at the party at around 11:15, SO LATE. On the way to the party however, this guy I know calls, and he's a cool friend (who I want to be more, but is dating some other girl, so I'm ok with that, but still fun to be around and for some godaweful reason likes to hang out with us) so I intive him along! And he's bored as shit so he decides to come as long as the gay men don't all come on to him....seems safe enough. he shows up shortly after us, there is massive consumption of wine (and perhaps a couple of painkillers, no comment), Fabulous compliments by gay men and then we apparently decide to leave and go to the bar. (my roommate decides this, not me and keep in mind this is the plywood floor college sausage fest bar that we USED to go to in COLLEGE and we are ALL DOLLED UP at the moment.) Well that just turns ugly because it reminds her of her ex and so we go across the street to the other college dive bar and she gets a jack and coke and starts crying. So while I'm attempting to flirt my way into my friend's heart (and pants) our friend from Seattle is soothing her. Good times.
We finally wrangle her in the car and this drunk guy we met at the second bar says he'll pay me for a ride home. Now I've been the drunk girl walking before and it's NO fun, so I ask how far away he lives, he tells me the address and it's like a whole 4 blocks away, and it's cold as shit outside so I figure I can drive him home. Well, the whole ride (only 4 blocks) he's feeling up my friend from Seattle! What the HELL. Then he tries to get all of our numbers before he gets out of the car, so finally we just told him to get the hell out. What an icky frat boy. GROSS. In the meantime we're supposed to be meeting my friend at Safeway to pick up some goodies, and he calls and says "I guess you're not going to the Safeway I think you are, I'm gonna head home" and I try my best and convince him to come over (cause I'm still a little high and apparently think I can still get into his pants) OH, but on the way home these dumb bitches try to follow us because they started a fight in the milk aisle so I have to drive batmobile style to lose them. What is going on here?! Well, I think we're home free until my roommate decides that she wants to go to this other bar where a friend of ours is spending the afterhours but I have someone coming over (and hopefully sleeping in my bed!) and so she jumps out at a FUCKING stoplight! and I have to go circle around to pick her up. By that time she's already talking to a bum and sharing a cigarette with him, seriously this is my life. The ending to this story is quite anticlimactic because we went home, make macaroni and cheese and then me and my friend slept in separate beds in separate rooms......*sigh* how did I ever get so lucky in life?