I'm kind of irritated and I think logically that I shouldn't be, but I can't help it. Perhaps some of you can set me straight. I always appreciate your feedback.
The Situation:
There is a guy that I went to college with. He's a nice guy if not a little bit smarmy. We both got our Bachelor's in Theatre but we were probably the only two in our class range to really focus on becoming directors. Most of our classmates are becoming actors or costumers, etc. etc. For whatever reason (even I don't know what's going on in my head) I have recently formed a sort of jealousy/irritation with him. After college I went to work for a bank (a choice that I made) and ended up where I am now. Although that has afforded me time and location to pursue some directing projects it is not nearly as involved in the theatre as I thought I would be at this point.
After college (a year after I graduated) he started his own community theatre group and when that fizzled went to work as an assistant director for one of only 2 professional theatre's in this town. I was jealous about that. Last year we both applied to direct for the same community theatre in town that is run by a mutual friend from college. He got a mainstage show, I got part of a reader's theatre. Please do not get me wrong, I had a WONDERFUL time doing it, but I developed a little bit of bitterness at how he had (in my mind) jumped ahead of me in the whole "career game". Last year we both applied to the same extremely competetive graduate program in directing and were both not accepted. No problem, it's like a HUGE miracle if you get in. About the same time that I found out I wasn't accepted I had already been looking at another program with a wonderful reputation and only 2.5 hours away from where I live now and where I'd like to live for a least a while if not my life. I have been in communication with the head of directing and when I realized that I was in no way financially ready to start grad school this fall, he informed me that he appreciated my choice and would consider me for next year. (Starting fall 2007)
The Current Frustration:
I just found out that this same guy, is starting grad school in directing in the program I want to start in next fall. Only he's starting THIS FALL. Like THIS WEEK. I find myself overwhelmed by a lot of things, but mostly irritation. I was looking forward to starting at a program where I would meet all new people and be able to jump right into focusing on my master's and nothing else. I feel like when/if I attend that school next fall I will be going into a situation where my background is totally "worn out" and "tired".
"Oh yeah we already know a guy that went there, you guys know each other?"
I also feel like he's once again ahead of me in the "career game". In college, I was the upperclassman. In grad school, He will be.
At this point I'm realizing how silly all of this sounds, but I can't stop myself from feeling it anyway. Please don't misunderstand me, I am happy for him and I am not trying to get a little "pity party" going. I'm wondering if any of you have perhaps some other angles I can look at here? Some new perspective? Have any of you ever felt this way? Am I a total bonehead for thinking this way?
Just let me know if I should check myself into the funny farm. Thanks:)
Sunday, August 13, 2006
I do not like it sam-i-am
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8 comments:
I guess the first thing to realize is, at least you're observing that you're feeling that way. If you realize it when it happens, it makes it that much easier to laugh at your own silly feelings of jealousy until they move on and you can get back to enjoying your life.
But really, comparing yourself to others will only be a harbinger of unhappiness. I mean, if you can learn something from his mistakes/successes, great. But otherwise, just enjoy the journey, wherever you may go.
Probably nothing you don't already know, but just my 2 Yen.
Also... Too bad you aren't here this year--undoubtedly we could have found some trouble to get into. I'm hoping to be the Hell outta Dodge by this time next year.
It is here that I will use my stale mantra, "Everything happens for a reason." Maybe bigger, better, and quite possibly cooler things are waiting for you. I know. I suck.
You don't suck DB, it's a good mantra. I realize that all of these things happen for a reason and who knows, maybe it will work to my advantage to know someone when I get there, I'm just playing out all the dumbass crap in my head before I get there:)
Everything happens for a reason?
Take your mind off the other guy. Do what you love to do, and do not worry about others and whether you are ahead or behind, etc.
I do that too. It's my personal mantra, and I do the same freaking thing. Sleep is almost non-existant right now because all I do is comtemplate whether or not UPS will keep me. All night at Wal-Mart I think about what-if's. It so frustrating.
One thing I've always found about those "smarmy" types as you so eloquently put it, is that Smarm and Money seem to have a proportional relationship.
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who goes where and when... Just go where you can, and when you can. Emphasis on the YOU.
He probably only "jumped the queue" by having more money than sense, and I know you... You definately put sense over money.
It's hard to NOT feel jealous, particularly about those who are doing what you want to be doing... I want to be a pilot as you know, and I can't help but look at all the smug, smarmy pilots around me in the RAF with a certain sense of bitterness. What do they have that I don't after all!
I will however be a pilot one day... I've made plans, and already started following them through... As you have.
The best thing of all though, when you and I finally get where we're headed and we have everything we wanted, we can look back at the road we took and say to ourselves "I DESERVE what I have... I WORKED for it"... I know I will appreciate it a whole lot more than anybody who has had it handed to them on a plate... And that can only make us excel in what we do!
Go for it girl... You know you have our support!
Feeling jealous is normal. Don't worry about it.
And don't worry about your background being "worn out" and "tired." Having him go in ahead of you will result in one of two things. Either people will like him and figure you're great as well or they will hate him and you'll make an even better impression as a result.
You have to do what is right for you when it is right for you. If you were to rush into this when you weren't financially ready, you would end up quiting or so frustrated/stressed that you wouldn't enjoy the experience.
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