Highlights and Lowlights: Musings from one trip to Oregon

I'm in Salem again children.
I flew here on Sunday, that's right, the sunday after Thanksgiving and let me tell you it was an adventure filled trip.


Because of my MVP status on Alaska Airlines I was given a free "upgrade" on my first leg of the flight. A little 50 minute action from Spokane to Seattle. SCORE! I'm in first class. Totally rockin'. First things first; First class has BOMB seats. So large, so comfortable, SO MUCH ROOM! You also get your own little dedicated flight attendant in first class. "Would you like more cream in your coffee?"............Why yes I would thank you! You also get...............Muffins. Instead of those little tiny biscotti, you get a muffin. AND yogurt. Actual breakfast in first class folks!

UNFORTUNATELY, due to some really crappy weather on the way to Seattle the plane was so bumpy that halfway through the snack service they had to come around and take all the service stuff and put it away. I never got my muffin.


Mother Nature owes me a damn muffin.


I digress........................

On my second flight I found out that I had the exit row (SCORE!) on one of these tiny little Horizon puddle jumper planes. When I got to my seat I remembered how goddamned small these planes are. Whereas the seatbelt on the first (much larger) plane fit me just fine, the seatbelt on "el tin can" was roughly 2 inches short of closing. Great. I happen to know from reading the online disclosures in the past that you cannot sit in an exit row if you require a seatbelt extender. Usually I bring my own (please note, Horizon is the ONLY airline I have this problem with and have a personal one for this very reason) but I was in a hurry yesterday and at the airport at 6 am, so I kind of forgot. So I had to inform the flight attendant that I thought I would need an extender and I realize that I cannot have one in the exit row and I might need to switch seats. So, after a big hoo-hah about switching with a gal, after waiting to see if the flight was full, we were underway. This irritated me a little, nay, a lot.

**Warning, fat discrimination rant, if you hate that crap, skip ahead**

Um.......What you're telling me is that I can sit in the exit row on any other plane in this country but because your seatbelts are slightly smaller than other airlines and it is maybe 2 inches shy of latching, I can't sit in your exit row? I have flown without seatbelt problems on the following airlines:
Southwest
United
Delta
Alaska
British Airways

That's a pretty large variety of planes. I have flown in the exit row on 2 of those airlines with on problems whatsoever. So what Horizon is telling me is that not only do they not want fatties to sit in exit rows but they also have a more stringent policy per their seatbelt on what they consider "too fat". Excuse me?! Since when does my stomach flab have anything to do with my willingness and ability to help people off a crashed plane?! Have you ever seen some of the tiny little freaks that sit in exit rows? (You probably haven't. I just fly a lot and I'm obviously sensitive to that) There are men that weigh one quarter of what I do that sit in those exit rows. Now I'm not trying to say that they are not capable of doing the job. I AM saying that I am JUST as capable. I would never judge their short little arms not to help me out of a burning can full of fuel. I would just like the same courtesy. My arm and let muscles are not affected adversely by being overweight. If anything I have STRONGER legs because I'm hauling my fat ass around! I happen to know I can lift a 50 pound door and throw it out of the door hole. I have lifted many things OVER 50 pounds before, and given all the adrenaline at that moment, I could probably lift the whole damn plane! (it would hurt a lot later, but that's not the point!) And I'm pretty damn sure that my ability to think straight in an emergency is in NO way encumbered by my plus size pants. I think we should come up with new criteria for sitting in an exit row. We need answers to questions that we cannot tell by looking at you.

1. Are you physically able to lift a 50 pound door and throw it out of the hole in an emergency? Or are you one to talk a big game and pretend like you can and then crumble under the weight of the door and endanger all of our lives ?

Circle One Y N

2. Are you willing to help others in an emergency situation by directing them to the appropriate safe place? Or are you too selfish and want to save your $5000 boob job or hair plugs?

Circle One Y N

3. Can you keep calm in an emergency situation and direct others safely in tasks? Or are you a total drama whore and will end up crying in the corner freaking out until someone slaps you?

Circle One Y N


If you can answer all of these questions with a Yes then you are allowed to sit in an exit row.


**End fat discrimination rant, continue with your regularly scheduled program**

When I got to Oregon I quickly got my rental car and went on my merry way. Stopping OF COURSE at the outlet mall and buying myself a LOVELY pair of cream colored slacks. I decided to wear them today. It's snowing like a banshee........I'm so worried about getting the bottoms of them dirty that I'm not leaving my training site until I have to and I'm walking around like a jackass holding my pants up. Classy.

Oh and a big FU-ANKS to the jackass that cut me off on the freeway while it was raining cats and dogs. I almost ran into a semi-truck. Good times.

I want to end this on a good note, because it's starting to sound pretty shitty and the truth is that today is a good day. Wanna know why? I am staying at a wonderful hotel where they take GOOD care of me.

I am having a Filthy* Martini tonight. Preferably by a hot-ass bartender........BOOYAH!






*Like a Dirty Martini only more olive juice