This post will probably be confusing

I'm posting to distract myself. I'm trying not to stare at my cell phone and will it to ring. I am very reluctant (i must admit) to share any more romantic experiences on my blog because it seems like they only end up getting all fuckered up.

I will just say this about that:
He is cool
He is funny
He is amazingly sweet
I can't wait to meet him
He can't wait to meet me (so he says)

Moving on.....

I got seen about my weird orgasm headache problem. I have a condition called 'pseudo tumor cerebri' (you can google it, it's fucking weird). The short answer is for some reason (nobody knows why) my brain is making too much cerebro-spinal fluid and not re-absorbing the extra (you know like a normal person is supposed to). All of the pressure is causing the headaches and some vision changes. I have to have a second, yes that's right, SECOND spinal tap to get an opening spinal pressure (so they can diagnose how bad and how aggresively to treat) because the first one went fine but they never hit fluid. So the second one will use radiology to be able to see exactly where they are going.

WOO.

In the meantime I get to take some drugs that are supposedly any day now going to cause me to tingle all over and taste metal in my food.

Double Woo.

Apparently although they don't know what causes it exactly, it generally presents in overweight young women. When you lose weight the condition usually goes away. So guess who'll be losing weight?

Well, I guess it's better than tasting metal and having orgasm headaches.

Weekend Update..................oh and a Fat Rant

OR "They got ya by the balls, even when you don't have balls"

* I'm at work right now because I didn't come in yesterday. I was up the night before in the emergency room getting good drugs and flirting with a male nurse.

* I'm wearing a strapless dress for only the second time in my life. I bought it yesterday and it's just one of those fun, comfortable, flowy little summer dresses. So I wore it.

* I just spilled coffee on my new dress. We all saw that coming right?

* I have a grievance with Old Navy.
*WARNING FAT RANT*

I am attending a beach wedding next Saturday in Southern California. I should have planned ahead and bought a dress a long time ago, I didn't. I went shopping yesterday to try to find something comfortable, light and pretty that could be worn on a beach and then also inside for a reception. I had looked at Old Navy's website and seen quite a few dresses I really liked but like anything you get online it's nice to be able to get the real thing in hand and try it on or at the very least see how it feels and then it's always nice to be able to get it in person that much quicker. Old Navy has stopped carrying plus sizes. They only started carrying them like a year ago! There was nothing for me to even look at in the store. I asked one of the gals working there because I couldn't find the section and she told me that they don't usually carry maternity and plus sizes in the same store. Sure enough they do have a maternity section now. They did assure me though that they carry them online and I can return it to the store if I don't like it. Great, still doesn't help me to find one in the next few days, but thanks lady. My point is this: I'm sure Old Navy could afford to produce (or just stock) 2 less colors of the same damn tshirt and free up a couple feet for a plus size section! They used to have one and I am sure it's possible to have both maternity and plus size if you reduce (even slightly) the amount of average sizes. I find it just a tad insulting that Old Navy doesn't feel that the plus size person's money is worthy of actually making effort to carry clothes that fit them. They will only stock my size of clothes in their store if they have the extra room to do so. Well why not just put a table and a rack in the parking lot then?!

* I also have a grievance with Macy's and most other non-specialized plus size clothes retailers. I left Old Navy feeling crappy but decided to check out a couple other places to see what they had to offer. There are a few stores offering "Junior Plus" these days which is great for the teenagers (believe me I would have LOVED stylish clothes in HS) but Junior Plus is not the same as regular Women's Plus Size. None of them fit my rack. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to give up my rack for anything but seriously, could you put some more fabric there please? I went to Macy's out of desperation thinking they might have something neutral like a sundress or something of that nature that I could spice up with some accessories. Everything in that store in my size that is of the nature of a dress was either:

Black or Dark Brown
Had 3/4 length sleeves or a jacket to go with it
Ankle Length

Did I mention the wedding is ON A BEACH?! In SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA?! I do not understand the serious lack of appropriate summer attire for a plus size woman in this world. Do they have some sort of statistical evidence to support that fat women don't go outside in the summer? Or is it that they think we shouldn't? Or perhaps it's ok as long as cover up our fat arms and legs? Well I refuse to sweat to death just because some clothes store thinks i'm not worth a light colored sundress. I guess I'm shopping online from now on. And Macy's and Old Navy can eat it. *END FAT RANT*

*I did find a dress online by the way. I just had to order it rush shipping to have it before I leave. And I guess if I try it on and it doesn't fit I'm back to wearing something in my closet that I probably could have worn anyway but I like new shit. Here's what I got:

A Discovery Dear Watson!

I think I've finally realized what everyone has been trying to tell me for a while now. All of this angst I feel? All of this miscommunication? All of this "being strung along" that I'm feeling a good majority of the time?

That's called "DATING".

Please forgive me for being so slow. I CAN be taught it just takes a while.

I'm pretty sure that the reason I didn't realize this for so long was because I was so caught up in my past self and feeling like something about myself made me a victim to romantic pain more often. I'm pretty sure at this point I was pretty 'effing wrong. Those of you that are regular readers know that I am a fat woman. I am in no way an ugly woman, but yes I am a fat one. I really don't care anymore (most of my internal organs and joints probably do, but I don't). I have energy to spare, I have passion and creativity and beauty in all aspects of my life and I am HAPPY!

This is what I kept telling myself which was true down to about 75% of myself. The other 25% was still absorbed in my former self. I still felt I was too fat to get a man. Which is a ridiculous and detrimental thought. But when it sweeps over you even subconsciously it becomes all encompassing. I realize that this morphed itself into "I'm not classy enough to get a man" or "I'm not mature enough to get a man". For years I have felt like I was a "kid" sitting at the grown-ups table whenever a man was around. Hence, I have dated BOYS. Not MEN.

I WANT A MAN.

And I am NOT going to settle until I find one:) That probably means I am going to be single for a while. I'm pretty ok with that in the long run. The short term does get difficult when one wants to be taken out on a weekend or told she is wonderful or that someone loves her but I don't want that from some boy (regardless of his age) that I know is playing around because he doesn't know how to have a mature relationship. I put up with so much crap (and in turn get hurt over and over again by my own hand) because I am settling for boys.

HIM: Wants to have someone always available to call, email, IM, text message and sleep with if he chooses but is completely unwilling to be comitted to that person and also refuses to accept the consequences when he drops them and wants to pick them up again.

Security Boy: Couldn't tell the truth if you squeezed it out of him with a vice. Couldn't even tell me why he was breaking up with me.

However I feel it's worth saying here that I really should focus more on the MEN that I have met and have treated me well and for whatever reason couldn't continue our good times together.

Theology Guy: Absolutely a MAN. Not a boy. Asked me out for a drink, had a great time, felt me up and then made sure my trip to Napa was absolutely wonderful!

The Sax Player: A MAN. Was very honest about seeing someone when he moved away to grad school and we have remained friends throughout.

Current FWB: Informed me the other day that he had hooked up with some other friend of his at a party and then followed it with, "if you don't want me to tell you these things I won't I just thought I should be honest with you." YAH! Honesty, now there's a grown up concept...


So in any case I'm going to try to enjoy dating a little more from now on. It's an adventure, not a torturous exercise in futility. EVERY woman goes through something horrible in her dating life unless she gets married at 18 and lets face it....I was nowhere NEAR marriage at 18. I'm nowhere near marriage at 26!

Tell me this Ladies and Gentleman....Am I right? Am I full of crap? Is this normal dating bullshit? Have I come to the right conclusion? Show me what you got.

Is that Australian Dollars?!

I really need to start exercising. That's just the facts. I really am not motivated towards any kind of exercise except water aerobics. I realize this is an old woman type sport, shut up I didn't ask you. I love being in the water and I always feel like I've had an awesome workout without any joint pain when I finish with a class. I tried looking up the classes at the YMCA and they are all in the middle of the afternoon?! HELLO?! I WORK during the day, that is so NOT convenient for me. So I checked out the good old "OZ Fitness" to see if maybe they just had some weekly classes I could take. I am not interested in going in and working out with all the super motivated treadmill addicts...I just wanna float ok? For a day pass it's 15 dollars. Water Aerobics is 2 days a week. Ok.......

"What if I just join and only go to the water aerobics classes?"
"Same cost as a regular membership"
"And how much is that"
"25 dollars a month......and a 130 dollar joining fee."
"oh, great thanks."

130 freakin dollars to join?! I can fully understand and accept that you have to pay for the regular membership fee even if all you want to use is the pool cause it's not like it's a la carte or anything but seriously. What could you possibly be doing to process my "paperwork" so I can "join" that costs 130 dollars?! I hate gyms.

It's No Work Friday!

Today is friday.

I don't want to work today.

I am going to update my blog instead.

I'm sure that all of you have been waiting anxiously for my next nugget of wisdom to grace the web but you'll just have to be patient and read the whole thing. Buck Up Camper!

CSI Pissed me off last night.

*FAT ACCEPTANCE RANT WARNING*

Last night I was watching reruns of CSI on Spike TV like I am want to do and there was an episode where they found a guy dead in a hotel (not unusual for CSI in the least). As you get further into the episode though (the synopsis is here) you find that there is a BBW convention going on in the hotel and he died because a fat drunk woman passed out on top of him while having sex. She suffocated and crushed him. I will fully admit that I did not finish the episode because I was really disgusted and insulted and I left my house to go watch 300 (more to come on that later). I am not ignorant. I realize that more weight equals greater chance of crushing. I know how the math works. However, I am a very large woman. Larger in fact than the woman in this episode (yes I just realized that if any of you watch it you know how fat I am, I don't care, eat it) and I have had lots of sex where I was on top and didn't crush anyone. I also don't think I could crush someone until they died. I have asked partners before "am I crushing you? are you sure you can breathe?" which probably sounds hilarious to some of you but when you are a big person you think of things like this (and I've slept with some skinny little men). Every partner I've ever asked that of has said "no, you're just fine stop worrying". This leads me to believe that even if a woman my size were to pass out on a man he could at the very least push her off enough to breathe. No wonder fat people have such low self image; We are being told everyday by our favorite shows that if we deign to get a little drunk and want to have a sex life we'll kill our partner and forever hate ourselves. The only redeeming thing about this episode is that the guy that got crushed was apparently a total asshole in real life and would sleep with fat women but wouldn't even speak to them in the elevator. So, good riddance to him and all the men (and women) out there like him. Personally I found this episode insulting and degrading . I'm not saying any of you should feel that way, I am just venting. (it is MY blog afterall...)

*END FAT ACCEPTANCE RANT*

Now, 300.

I Loved this movie!

I realize this movie came out like almost 2 months ago but I just got around to seeing it. When I got all irritated last night I decided to go check out the movies and see if anything was playing that I wanted to see. I've been wanting to see 300 for a while now and I finally just bucked up and went to see it. The visuals in this film are stunning. The cinematography, the costuming, the artisitic desgin. All of it. Incredible. I especially enjoyed the use of music and slow motion photography to enhance certain portions of the film. I'm sure everyone out there but had already seen it so if I ruin some sort of plot point for you just email me, I'll apologize profusely. This movie makes me want to do some reasearch on the Spartan 300 and see what kind of historical base it has and how much was fabricated for the novel. This movie is also the 3rd in a series of movies that make me want to start reading graphic novels.

Oh lord, like I need more geek points...

Highlights and Lowlights: Musings from one trip to Oregon

I'm in Salem again children.
I flew here on Sunday, that's right, the sunday after Thanksgiving and let me tell you it was an adventure filled trip.


Because of my MVP status on Alaska Airlines I was given a free "upgrade" on my first leg of the flight. A little 50 minute action from Spokane to Seattle. SCORE! I'm in first class. Totally rockin'. First things first; First class has BOMB seats. So large, so comfortable, SO MUCH ROOM! You also get your own little dedicated flight attendant in first class. "Would you like more cream in your coffee?"............Why yes I would thank you! You also get...............Muffins. Instead of those little tiny biscotti, you get a muffin. AND yogurt. Actual breakfast in first class folks!

UNFORTUNATELY, due to some really crappy weather on the way to Seattle the plane was so bumpy that halfway through the snack service they had to come around and take all the service stuff and put it away. I never got my muffin.


Mother Nature owes me a damn muffin.


I digress........................

On my second flight I found out that I had the exit row (SCORE!) on one of these tiny little Horizon puddle jumper planes. When I got to my seat I remembered how goddamned small these planes are. Whereas the seatbelt on the first (much larger) plane fit me just fine, the seatbelt on "el tin can" was roughly 2 inches short of closing. Great. I happen to know from reading the online disclosures in the past that you cannot sit in an exit row if you require a seatbelt extender. Usually I bring my own (please note, Horizon is the ONLY airline I have this problem with and have a personal one for this very reason) but I was in a hurry yesterday and at the airport at 6 am, so I kind of forgot. So I had to inform the flight attendant that I thought I would need an extender and I realize that I cannot have one in the exit row and I might need to switch seats. So, after a big hoo-hah about switching with a gal, after waiting to see if the flight was full, we were underway. This irritated me a little, nay, a lot.

**Warning, fat discrimination rant, if you hate that crap, skip ahead**

Um.......What you're telling me is that I can sit in the exit row on any other plane in this country but because your seatbelts are slightly smaller than other airlines and it is maybe 2 inches shy of latching, I can't sit in your exit row? I have flown without seatbelt problems on the following airlines:
Southwest
United
Delta
Alaska
British Airways

That's a pretty large variety of planes. I have flown in the exit row on 2 of those airlines with on problems whatsoever. So what Horizon is telling me is that not only do they not want fatties to sit in exit rows but they also have a more stringent policy per their seatbelt on what they consider "too fat". Excuse me?! Since when does my stomach flab have anything to do with my willingness and ability to help people off a crashed plane?! Have you ever seen some of the tiny little freaks that sit in exit rows? (You probably haven't. I just fly a lot and I'm obviously sensitive to that) There are men that weigh one quarter of what I do that sit in those exit rows. Now I'm not trying to say that they are not capable of doing the job. I AM saying that I am JUST as capable. I would never judge their short little arms not to help me out of a burning can full of fuel. I would just like the same courtesy. My arm and let muscles are not affected adversely by being overweight. If anything I have STRONGER legs because I'm hauling my fat ass around! I happen to know I can lift a 50 pound door and throw it out of the door hole. I have lifted many things OVER 50 pounds before, and given all the adrenaline at that moment, I could probably lift the whole damn plane! (it would hurt a lot later, but that's not the point!) And I'm pretty damn sure that my ability to think straight in an emergency is in NO way encumbered by my plus size pants. I think we should come up with new criteria for sitting in an exit row. We need answers to questions that we cannot tell by looking at you.

1. Are you physically able to lift a 50 pound door and throw it out of the hole in an emergency? Or are you one to talk a big game and pretend like you can and then crumble under the weight of the door and endanger all of our lives ?

Circle One Y N

2. Are you willing to help others in an emergency situation by directing them to the appropriate safe place? Or are you too selfish and want to save your $5000 boob job or hair plugs?

Circle One Y N

3. Can you keep calm in an emergency situation and direct others safely in tasks? Or are you a total drama whore and will end up crying in the corner freaking out until someone slaps you?

Circle One Y N


If you can answer all of these questions with a Yes then you are allowed to sit in an exit row.


**End fat discrimination rant, continue with your regularly scheduled program**

When I got to Oregon I quickly got my rental car and went on my merry way. Stopping OF COURSE at the outlet mall and buying myself a LOVELY pair of cream colored slacks. I decided to wear them today. It's snowing like a banshee........I'm so worried about getting the bottoms of them dirty that I'm not leaving my training site until I have to and I'm walking around like a jackass holding my pants up. Classy.

Oh and a big FU-ANKS to the jackass that cut me off on the freeway while it was raining cats and dogs. I almost ran into a semi-truck. Good times.

I want to end this on a good note, because it's starting to sound pretty shitty and the truth is that today is a good day. Wanna know why? I am staying at a wonderful hotel where they take GOOD care of me.

I am having a Filthy* Martini tonight. Preferably by a hot-ass bartender........BOOYAH!






*Like a Dirty Martini only more olive juice