A Discovery Dear Watson!

I think I've finally realized what everyone has been trying to tell me for a while now. All of this angst I feel? All of this miscommunication? All of this "being strung along" that I'm feeling a good majority of the time?

That's called "DATING".

Please forgive me for being so slow. I CAN be taught it just takes a while.

I'm pretty sure that the reason I didn't realize this for so long was because I was so caught up in my past self and feeling like something about myself made me a victim to romantic pain more often. I'm pretty sure at this point I was pretty 'effing wrong. Those of you that are regular readers know that I am a fat woman. I am in no way an ugly woman, but yes I am a fat one. I really don't care anymore (most of my internal organs and joints probably do, but I don't). I have energy to spare, I have passion and creativity and beauty in all aspects of my life and I am HAPPY!

This is what I kept telling myself which was true down to about 75% of myself. The other 25% was still absorbed in my former self. I still felt I was too fat to get a man. Which is a ridiculous and detrimental thought. But when it sweeps over you even subconsciously it becomes all encompassing. I realize that this morphed itself into "I'm not classy enough to get a man" or "I'm not mature enough to get a man". For years I have felt like I was a "kid" sitting at the grown-ups table whenever a man was around. Hence, I have dated BOYS. Not MEN.

I WANT A MAN.

And I am NOT going to settle until I find one:) That probably means I am going to be single for a while. I'm pretty ok with that in the long run. The short term does get difficult when one wants to be taken out on a weekend or told she is wonderful or that someone loves her but I don't want that from some boy (regardless of his age) that I know is playing around because he doesn't know how to have a mature relationship. I put up with so much crap (and in turn get hurt over and over again by my own hand) because I am settling for boys.

HIM: Wants to have someone always available to call, email, IM, text message and sleep with if he chooses but is completely unwilling to be comitted to that person and also refuses to accept the consequences when he drops them and wants to pick them up again.

Security Boy: Couldn't tell the truth if you squeezed it out of him with a vice. Couldn't even tell me why he was breaking up with me.

However I feel it's worth saying here that I really should focus more on the MEN that I have met and have treated me well and for whatever reason couldn't continue our good times together.

Theology Guy: Absolutely a MAN. Not a boy. Asked me out for a drink, had a great time, felt me up and then made sure my trip to Napa was absolutely wonderful!

The Sax Player: A MAN. Was very honest about seeing someone when he moved away to grad school and we have remained friends throughout.

Current FWB: Informed me the other day that he had hooked up with some other friend of his at a party and then followed it with, "if you don't want me to tell you these things I won't I just thought I should be honest with you." YAH! Honesty, now there's a grown up concept...


So in any case I'm going to try to enjoy dating a little more from now on. It's an adventure, not a torturous exercise in futility. EVERY woman goes through something horrible in her dating life unless she gets married at 18 and lets face it....I was nowhere NEAR marriage at 18. I'm nowhere near marriage at 26!

Tell me this Ladies and Gentleman....Am I right? Am I full of crap? Is this normal dating bullshit? Have I come to the right conclusion? Show me what you got.

You Compl.....Infuriate me!

I'm having a conversation with him right now on Instant Messenger. I finally just told him why i'm upset. I feel like his fallback girl and he basically ignored me for 6 months. He made excuses, tried to say "you didn't call either" and "that happens with all new relationships, people's friendships suffer." And when I brought up the fact that he didn't come see my play that he promised he'd come see 3 times he just told me how his car wasn't working and how he thought he could get it fixed but turns out he couldn't. NO I'm sorry. NO explanation as to why he didn't call and say "i know this is important to you but I can't make it". He just basically continued talking to me as if nothing happened and is now talking on and on about HIMSELF and HIS new apartment. I really wish I had the balls to tell him to go stick it up his ass. But the truth is that I'm just still terrified of him never wanting me again. I have such issues...

I am SO old enough to know better

• Those little 5-hour energy bottles? Yeah they taste like SHIT. Just sayin.
  

• I stayed up almost all night "talking"* with a friend of mine, hence the 5-hour energy. I am WAY too smart to still stay up all night knowing I have to teach class the next day. AND I have to work at the winery tonight....I am so screwed. (again)
  

• I discovered something about a children's theatre group here in town. I put it this way to my friend and she seemed to agree heartily:

  "CYT is like the spazzy step-half brother of the star of the show."

  I came to this realization halfway into a melodrama (I use that term loosely) based on Charlie's Angels called "Harlie's Angels" with 70's and 80's pop songs. Yep, you read that right. I'm here for you my friend.
  
  
• Yesterday was MY SISTER'S BIRTHDAY!! Go give her some good Happy Bday wishes!

Happy Birthday Toots! I LOVE YOU!

*Yeah, seeing as how I know who reads this blog I didn't want to just come out and say it but you know what I'm talking about you little dirty bird.

Point gun at foot. Pull Trigger.

I pretty much shot myself in the foot. Romantically speaking. In This Post I talk about This Guy and how he's actually been doing some nice things for me that are very unusual for him. Well we spent a bunch of time together around xmas and right before New Year's. We had discussed earlier last year how we were both ok with whatever our situation was (friends with "benefits") and that it would be just that. Sound good right?
Well, no.
Because I went ahead and got way too attached to him. Again.

I know that I should not even attempt to make it go anywhere, I shouldn't even have let it go where it did, but I've never been one with good self control and let's face it, I want what I want. Things slowly started turning from 'friends that have sex occasionally' to going out to meals, getting drinks and him going as the date for my Winery Christmas Party. (Which might I add he drove 4.5 hours to be at and then drove back home the same amount of time the next morning) He came over for a drunken midnight dance party and then the next night we went to see a concert together and then fell asleep with hardly a kiss or two. He bought me a LOVELY silk scarf (with shakespeare's sonnets on it!) for Christmas and made sure I called him when I opened it and had the roommie take pictures of my reaction when he couldn't be there to watch. I think I know deep down inside that his actions changing have more to do with him growing up and just being more considerate towards his friends than him wanting to date me. He doesn't want to be someone's boyfriend and probably not mine but I can't stop the feelings of something under the surface when he looks at me or when we lay in bed discussing things until 2 am. I feel *something* there but knowing my luck with men, it's probably just indigestion...