A Discovery Dear Watson!

I think I've finally realized what everyone has been trying to tell me for a while now. All of this angst I feel? All of this miscommunication? All of this "being strung along" that I'm feeling a good majority of the time?

That's called "DATING".

Please forgive me for being so slow. I CAN be taught it just takes a while.

I'm pretty sure that the reason I didn't realize this for so long was because I was so caught up in my past self and feeling like something about myself made me a victim to romantic pain more often. I'm pretty sure at this point I was pretty 'effing wrong. Those of you that are regular readers know that I am a fat woman. I am in no way an ugly woman, but yes I am a fat one. I really don't care anymore (most of my internal organs and joints probably do, but I don't). I have energy to spare, I have passion and creativity and beauty in all aspects of my life and I am HAPPY!

This is what I kept telling myself which was true down to about 75% of myself. The other 25% was still absorbed in my former self. I still felt I was too fat to get a man. Which is a ridiculous and detrimental thought. But when it sweeps over you even subconsciously it becomes all encompassing. I realize that this morphed itself into "I'm not classy enough to get a man" or "I'm not mature enough to get a man". For years I have felt like I was a "kid" sitting at the grown-ups table whenever a man was around. Hence, I have dated BOYS. Not MEN.

I WANT A MAN.

And I am NOT going to settle until I find one:) That probably means I am going to be single for a while. I'm pretty ok with that in the long run. The short term does get difficult when one wants to be taken out on a weekend or told she is wonderful or that someone loves her but I don't want that from some boy (regardless of his age) that I know is playing around because he doesn't know how to have a mature relationship. I put up with so much crap (and in turn get hurt over and over again by my own hand) because I am settling for boys.

HIM: Wants to have someone always available to call, email, IM, text message and sleep with if he chooses but is completely unwilling to be comitted to that person and also refuses to accept the consequences when he drops them and wants to pick them up again.

Security Boy: Couldn't tell the truth if you squeezed it out of him with a vice. Couldn't even tell me why he was breaking up with me.

However I feel it's worth saying here that I really should focus more on the MEN that I have met and have treated me well and for whatever reason couldn't continue our good times together.

Theology Guy: Absolutely a MAN. Not a boy. Asked me out for a drink, had a great time, felt me up and then made sure my trip to Napa was absolutely wonderful!

The Sax Player: A MAN. Was very honest about seeing someone when he moved away to grad school and we have remained friends throughout.

Current FWB: Informed me the other day that he had hooked up with some other friend of his at a party and then followed it with, "if you don't want me to tell you these things I won't I just thought I should be honest with you." YAH! Honesty, now there's a grown up concept...


So in any case I'm going to try to enjoy dating a little more from now on. It's an adventure, not a torturous exercise in futility. EVERY woman goes through something horrible in her dating life unless she gets married at 18 and lets face it....I was nowhere NEAR marriage at 18. I'm nowhere near marriage at 26!

Tell me this Ladies and Gentleman....Am I right? Am I full of crap? Is this normal dating bullshit? Have I come to the right conclusion? Show me what you got.