OMG!! WTF!1! A NEW POST!

yes yes i know. I have been so neglectful. I would like to say that it's because I'm doing something really amazing like curing cancer, but no such luck. I've been distracted by a man. It makes me shudder just typing that because I have lived my life so adamantly against letting a man run, ruin, or disrupt my life in any way. Particularly in a chaotic way. But life is just not yours for the choosing most of the time and I got hit hard by that little a-hole cherub with a bow and arrow.

(why hasn't someone taken the archery equipment away from that little bastard yet anyway?!)

Some of you loyal readers (and I do appreciate your loyalty, please believe me) may remember this post about this man. Well that one or two months has now turned into about 5. Yes. It has taken him 5 months to get home from across the country but you know what? After this weekend I know why and although it has been extremely difficult, I forgive him.

My life has been Disneyland compared to how he grew up. That is not really an excuse however and some choices he made over the last 2 years before he met me have contributed to a hell of a lot of chaos in his life. He admits that he hasn't made the best of decisions over the last 2 years and his karma is now suffering horrendously for it.

This is my second trip out here to see him and I know some might (and probably are) ask themselves "why would you go through all that when he can't even show you how much he cares by getting his ass home?" Simple.

This man loves me like no man has ever loved me. The connection we have is miraculous. So comfortable, so easy. My hand never wants for his, my lower back has been warmed for 4 days straight by his hand on it. I've never been kissed on the forehead so much in my life. He makes me laugh: like crack up, snorting, snot out your nose, pee your pants kind of laughing. He tells me constantly how amazing I am. How kind he thinks I am, how he doesn't deserve me. Whether he does or not I don't think matters, whether we both feel equal and partnered well matters a great deal more I think.

The first time I came here to see him, I was only here for about 1.5 days and we spent a great afternoon together before he had to go to where he was working to be able to afford having to stay for a few weeks. The minute he entered my hotel room it was not at all as if we hadn't met in person yet, It was as if we hadn't seen each other in months, as if we'd known each other for years and had been together plenty of times.

I can only describe this weekend not just the same as that, but so much better. We spent every day I was here together. Took the train to a historic town north of the city and spent a few hours rolling around, giving each other raspberries and making love. (sorry family members that read this)

He brought me to the airport today and it was like all those ridiculous movies you see on lifetime. I got all teary eyed and he told me it would be ok. I never imagined I'd feel this way about a person or they about me. He keeps telling me 'I never imagined I could ever love someone so much'. I feel exactly the same.

They say people "just know when it's the one". I know I am in no place to get married and we both discussed the fact that we are in NO hurry to be married, but we both admitted that we think about a future together. I don't think I ever really honestly saw myself with any of my boyfriends long term. Not really 'marriage potential' until now. Who knows what the future holds? I don't, you don't. But I am excited for what it will hold for us together going forward.


Here is a picture from my trip. Happy and Cute no?

A Relationship By Any Other Medium...........Or Where the hell else am I supposed to meet men?!

I'm pretty irritated at the moment. Yes, aren't you lucky, you get to read why.

I've met a man. I met him online. He is wonderful. We've been 'seeing each other' for about a month now. He has a good portion of the requirements I wanted in a man that my therapist made me decide upon while in therapy. The rest will come in time I'm sure. He is:

*Amazingly Kind
*Creative
*Spiritual
*Mature
*Responsible
*Appreciative of Spontaneity
*Funny
*Appreciative of my funny
*Into the Theatre (anyone that reads this blog knows this is important to me)
*Into Movies (again, seriously)

I'm going to stop my list there, I could go on and on and on I'm sure.

Here's the thing that throws most people over the edge about this:

We haven't "met" in person yet.

Before you freak out and leave me a crazed comment, please let me enlighten you on the situation that called for this course of action. NO, he is NOT in prison. (although a good friend told me recently that one of her best friends, a very logical, educated social worker met and then eventually married a man that she met while writing letters to in prison)

Through a series of unfortunate events (most of them beyond his control and not his fault) he has been stuck on the east coast for over a month. The first two weeks were work (he had left the day after we first emailed), then work made him stay on because his replacement quit. He got as far as Denver and got a frantic email that his estranged mother was looking for him at his old apartment so he had to go take care of that mess and then when he was finally ready to come home there was an emergency room stay followed by bumped flights home because of a blizzard. Now I know enough about life to know that it screws you in the ass the first chance it gets. This may only happen once, but it's probably going to be the worst ass screwing you ever get. This is his ass screwing and it just so happened to fall right after we chatted the first time. In the meantime, we have spent over a month on the phone, on IM, emailing and text messaging. I know this man better than I knew my last boyfriend, and I had SEX with him for 3 months. I have not had sex with this man, nor have I even really thought about it until recently and only because I have become attracted to him in so many other ways. Although this situation sucks for both of us (particularly him and his being trapped in the NE) we both agreed it was the right thing to happen, it forced us to court each other, get to know each other on a level that was not clouded by sex or social pressures, etc. The craziness has finally ended and he is coming home within the next few days, I'm picking him up at the airport and we couldn't be more excited to see each other. He is mad for me and tells me daily. I feel the same way.

Where's the RANT part you say? This is "Rant-a-rific". Touche.

I have at least 2 friends that have plainly told me they are "suspicious" of him and flat out that they think he is a "pathological liar and is playing me". Don't get me wrong, I appreciate their concern but please know I am no fool. I have already double checked, address, phone number and driven by the house. I did those within the first 2 days of him telling them to me. I know how to protect myself and I have met a lot of men online and found the patterns that a liar uses. I'm no spring chicken at this. More importantly I have the not so tangible method of trusting my gut. I have a pretty damn good radar for people, and the sad truth is that every guy that ever hurt me (unless we were young and he had no idea what he was doing) I got a vibe from. I knew they weren't right but I dated them (or slept with them) anyway. Well, I KNOW that this one is good, I can feel it. The part that kills me about this whole situation is that those 2 friends (as well as a whole host of other people I reckon) would not even bat an eyelash had I met this man through letter writing to a soldier. (If you can think of a better example please tell me, this is the best I got). People fall in love with soldiers overseas all the time. They begin as pen pals, and then fall in love through these letters and end up together when the soldier returns home. I realize that not all of these last forever and I am not basing my situation on theirs, I am simply saying that in that situation, it would not be considered odd if that soldier was to return home and through no fault of his own had to stay on deployment, or was stuck at a base for a few days or a week or was sent to another location for a few days. These things would be considered normal, and waiting for that in person meeting would be something to be excited about, not looked down on.

I am EFFING tired of meeting people online being thought of and looked on as such a "risky" thing to do. May I remind everyone that Ted Bundy met women in bars and on the street and he KILLED THEM. My ex boyfriend I met at work, and he broke my heart.

DATING IS RISKY. Period. Doesn't matter where you meet people, you have to be careful with yourself, your heart.

I am mad for this man, nay, I LOVE HIM. I don't care what anyone says, he loves me too and I will meet him at that airport and it will be one of the happiest days of my life.

It doesn't make me feel very good..

that one of the things I'm best at is pushing men away by being a sarcastic bitch.




























And this one actually likes me.



Somebody beat me over the head or something.

I could be a very rich woman by now.

Remember this:

"I am very reluctant (i must admit) to share any more romantic experiences on my blog because it seems like they only end up getting all fuckered up. "

from this post?


Yeah I really should put money on these things, it could have probably funded my master's by now.


P.S. if anyone comments "there are other fish in the sea" or "you're looking too hard" or any other of that bullshit, well let's just say you'll have one less blogger friend. kthanx

This post will probably be confusing

I'm posting to distract myself. I'm trying not to stare at my cell phone and will it to ring. I am very reluctant (i must admit) to share any more romantic experiences on my blog because it seems like they only end up getting all fuckered up.

I will just say this about that:
He is cool
He is funny
He is amazingly sweet
I can't wait to meet him
He can't wait to meet me (so he says)

Moving on.....

I got seen about my weird orgasm headache problem. I have a condition called 'pseudo tumor cerebri' (you can google it, it's fucking weird). The short answer is for some reason (nobody knows why) my brain is making too much cerebro-spinal fluid and not re-absorbing the extra (you know like a normal person is supposed to). All of the pressure is causing the headaches and some vision changes. I have to have a second, yes that's right, SECOND spinal tap to get an opening spinal pressure (so they can diagnose how bad and how aggresively to treat) because the first one went fine but they never hit fluid. So the second one will use radiology to be able to see exactly where they are going.

WOO.

In the meantime I get to take some drugs that are supposedly any day now going to cause me to tingle all over and taste metal in my food.

Double Woo.

Apparently although they don't know what causes it exactly, it generally presents in overweight young women. When you lose weight the condition usually goes away. So guess who'll be losing weight?

Well, I guess it's better than tasting metal and having orgasm headaches.

I want a boyfriend......IV

I went to the doctor today because I keep getting spontaneous headaches following orgasm. You can all take a moment to giggle, or cry or say "WTF?!" or whatever you need to do...I'll wait.


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Ok, moving on.


I have to get a 2 hour MRI and some kind of head test to make sure I don't have an aneurism in my head. In the meantime I can't have any sex. Not even with myself.


This is where my boyfriend would come over and bring me ice cream and say "oh honey, let's just cuddle, I love you and I want to make sure you are alright before we resume making love."





I choose him:

So Yummy.

Don't drink in a hot tub, no seriously don't

I made the cardinal error the other night. I drank in hot tub. I know you're not supposed to but who's thinking of that when they are half liquored up and getting into a hot tub?

I had a very busy weekend acting as the Maid of Honor for my best friend since the 8th grade. Things started on Friday morning with a dress fitting, followed by a bridal shower. Saturday brought the rehearsal, a final dress fitting and the rehearsal dinner. And the wedding was on Sunday so I had hair in the morning, then pictures and then the actual ceremony and reception.

I was already exhausted (and sober). Then I added alcohol and eventually a hot tub and whoa momma! (no but seriously my momma did have to take care of me because I was so hungover I was about to puking all day and felt dizzy when I stood up.)

The wedding was beautiful. I had a gorgeous dress and my hair ended up looking amazing. The bride was stunning and it couldn't have been a more delightful ceremony. Short and sweet. (literally it was very sweet because they had lovely things to say about each other) I got to see a lot of people I haven't seen in years and do a little flirting with a guy I went to high school with that was one of the groomsmen. By the way, just for the record, he got HOT. I have no idea when that happened but HOLY CRAP! That was fun. There was some minor hot tub gropage (until I had to excuse myself to go pray to the porcelain goddess.....super hot, I know)

All in all a great weeknd. Full, exhausting, but wonderful.

How was everyone else's?

Things I learned on the drive back from my parent's today

* My car can run at least 22 miles on the "E".

* This post makes it sound like I slept with him. I didn't just for the record , he's referring to me leaning against him during the movies we watched. Which is what made it all the more infuriating because he seemed genuinely interested in his affection, and in no way trying to score booty.

* I have a decent reason to believe I will be a better parent than my aunt and uncle.

* No matter how irritated I am at my jackass date from friday, it's NOTHING compared to Danny's story. Go ahead, email him and ask him. I'm sure he's more than happy to share ;-)

Somehow that makes it all better

I love my family. Especially my sister. When she read my previous post about the "amazing date" that was apparently just a mistake because he got carried away she had this to send me in an email:

"Totally sucks about d*ckface-one-night-stand pants."

And you know what? That made me feel better than any of my 5 friends saying "I'm sorry, honey."

I don't even know what to say anymore

I left a message on the voicemail of my date from last friday. I get this email in return:


I have to apologize, I really wasn't expecting things to go on like they did on friday. You're very cool though and I got drawn in. I can't really get into anything heavy with someone who lives that far away. But I'll definitely be giving you a ring if I ever head out there for a night out or something. I really am sorry about that, I really didn't want to come off like I wanted to start an actual relationship, but I'm kind of an idiot when I have a girl laying on me. Don't hate me!

I really should listen to the voices inside my head and just stay away from males altogether. Even when it's good, it's not really good.

And he smelled good too.

I'm not going to say too much about this because I'm trying to not get too excited and jinx myself but:

I had an AMAZING date with a MAN on friday! WOO!!

A Discovery Dear Watson!

I think I've finally realized what everyone has been trying to tell me for a while now. All of this angst I feel? All of this miscommunication? All of this "being strung along" that I'm feeling a good majority of the time?

That's called "DATING".

Please forgive me for being so slow. I CAN be taught it just takes a while.

I'm pretty sure that the reason I didn't realize this for so long was because I was so caught up in my past self and feeling like something about myself made me a victim to romantic pain more often. I'm pretty sure at this point I was pretty 'effing wrong. Those of you that are regular readers know that I am a fat woman. I am in no way an ugly woman, but yes I am a fat one. I really don't care anymore (most of my internal organs and joints probably do, but I don't). I have energy to spare, I have passion and creativity and beauty in all aspects of my life and I am HAPPY!

This is what I kept telling myself which was true down to about 75% of myself. The other 25% was still absorbed in my former self. I still felt I was too fat to get a man. Which is a ridiculous and detrimental thought. But when it sweeps over you even subconsciously it becomes all encompassing. I realize that this morphed itself into "I'm not classy enough to get a man" or "I'm not mature enough to get a man". For years I have felt like I was a "kid" sitting at the grown-ups table whenever a man was around. Hence, I have dated BOYS. Not MEN.

I WANT A MAN.

And I am NOT going to settle until I find one:) That probably means I am going to be single for a while. I'm pretty ok with that in the long run. The short term does get difficult when one wants to be taken out on a weekend or told she is wonderful or that someone loves her but I don't want that from some boy (regardless of his age) that I know is playing around because he doesn't know how to have a mature relationship. I put up with so much crap (and in turn get hurt over and over again by my own hand) because I am settling for boys.

HIM: Wants to have someone always available to call, email, IM, text message and sleep with if he chooses but is completely unwilling to be comitted to that person and also refuses to accept the consequences when he drops them and wants to pick them up again.

Security Boy: Couldn't tell the truth if you squeezed it out of him with a vice. Couldn't even tell me why he was breaking up with me.

However I feel it's worth saying here that I really should focus more on the MEN that I have met and have treated me well and for whatever reason couldn't continue our good times together.

Theology Guy: Absolutely a MAN. Not a boy. Asked me out for a drink, had a great time, felt me up and then made sure my trip to Napa was absolutely wonderful!

The Sax Player: A MAN. Was very honest about seeing someone when he moved away to grad school and we have remained friends throughout.

Current FWB: Informed me the other day that he had hooked up with some other friend of his at a party and then followed it with, "if you don't want me to tell you these things I won't I just thought I should be honest with you." YAH! Honesty, now there's a grown up concept...


So in any case I'm going to try to enjoy dating a little more from now on. It's an adventure, not a torturous exercise in futility. EVERY woman goes through something horrible in her dating life unless she gets married at 18 and lets face it....I was nowhere NEAR marriage at 18. I'm nowhere near marriage at 26!

Tell me this Ladies and Gentleman....Am I right? Am I full of crap? Is this normal dating bullshit? Have I come to the right conclusion? Show me what you got.

Blast from the Past

I have had a breakthrough moment. I am completely, 100% over him.

You may be asking yourself "but wait, that post was back in January, we haven't heard anything about him in a very long time."

You'd be right. He got himself a girlfriend. After which he pretty much just stopped talking to me. Oh yes he did try to Instant Message me 2 times but I didn't respond either time (once because I was sleeping and had left my laptop on and once because I was seething with anger and I decided not to respond) I have been around and around over this in my mind and at one point thought to myself "well I shouldn't really be upset because it's not like we were dating, I mean we were just 'having some fun', right?"
Then I realized you don't just IGNORE your friends because you have a girlfriend. Sure he tried to IM me, and sure I didn't respond but he does happen to have my phone number. I also know he text messages because he used to text me about 10 times a day at one point! It's not like I was unreachable. I was just unreachable when it was convenient for HIM. When he wasn't spending time with his girlfriend.

Well I'm sorry, I am not here for your schedule.

Recently I was surfing about and saw that he had updated his blog and in it he talks about breaking up with his girlfriend. He also had a post about moving into a new place although he had to move out of his old place about 2 weeks before the new one was available. Once I read this I immediately knew I'd be hearing from him soon. I could just feel it. "Once he has that apartment, he's going to call me".

I SHOULD PUT MONEY ON THIS SHIT.

He moved into his apartment on Sunday and guess who IM's me today? I'll give you one damn guess.

And as always his conversation was mostly focused on himself.....

HIM: evenin'
ME: hi.
HIM: hey, a response! how've you been? (he's so amazed at a resonse, might I remind you that he has my phone number, not like i was unreachable)
ME: good, busy. you?
HIM: insanely busy. was more or less homeless for 2 weeks
ME: oh that's never good
HIM: well, it was worth it. I was waiting for the perfect apt. to come available
ME: very cool. the holy grail the perfect apt.
HIM: so it was worth it to couch surf for a while. prolly only "perfect" by my standards... most people wouldn't agree. but it's cheap, not scungy, and in the U. district. it's just miniscule
ME: not always bad
HIM: for me, right now, I think it's a really good thing. help me simplify.I have too much crap.
ME: most of us do.
HIM: better to live cheap, pare down, and save up. this place is $500 a month, all utils paid save cable
ME: awesome
HIM: and I'm one block off the ave, 3 blocks from work
ME: score
HIM: how're things going over there? how'd the play go? (The play might I add that I asked him to come see and he told me 2 times "of course I will be there." He wasn't.)
ME: i'm sorry i can't really chat now, i'm on a conference call I was just checking in to see if my boss was online.... (I realize I get a little bitchy here, it's not like I can't type and listen at the same time, i mean I'm doing it now but I just am so tired of this crap from him!)
HIM: oh, ok. talk at'cha later

I cannot tell you how much better I feel. Although I know at some point this is going to come to a head when he wants to see me and to be frank,I don't really think I want to see him. I'll deal with that when it happens but it feels so good to know that I am no longer emotionally pining and attached.

I refuse to be the fallback girl.

My First Time

As you become an "adult" you tend to grow out of having any sort of "firsts" that mean anything to you. Well I guess I should say you start growing out of "firsts" all together. I've been having a decent amount of "firsts" lately but they are not your typical kinds of firsts. They are only "firsts" in my own estimation and if you don't agree that they are worthy of noting, then you can fuck off. See? I'm nice. I like to provide options.

*2 nights ago I attended my first real organized wine tasting outside of my own workplace. One of the prominent restaurants in this town hosted a wine tasting of a local winery. A few of my coworkers from my winery were there and they brought some friends along. It was a BLAST. Oh and the wine was DELISH! I also attended another wine tasting last night at a little bistro here in town. The wine was not AS delish but I did end up buying a bottle of the Cabernet Franc. And flirted a little bit with the restaurant owner.

*I tried a flavor other than "_______mint" gum. I usually don't go for the crazy gum flavors I gotta be honest. It's usually "spearmint" or "bubblegum" and that's where I draw the line. Well the other day I branched out and tried "mint mojito" by Orbit. Uh HELLO?! DELICIOUS! So the most amazingly perfect combination of flavors in one gum! I am now addicted and I bought the 3-pack which probably says something about my problem.

*I bought a man a drink last night. I was out after the wine tasting having dinner with some gal pals and there was a very attractive gentleman at the bar with 2 friends and I could have sworn he kept looking over at our table. In the past I would have assumed I was crazy and there was absolutely no way he was looking at our table. He was probably looking past us to the door or something. Well I have been in therapy for a while now and these thoughts have changed, quite a bit. After my friend said "oh yeah I just saw him look over here twice" I figured I was not crazy and he was looking over here for some reason. Regardless of whether he was looking at me or the other three girls I decided it warranted some action. So I told our waiter to send him another of whatever he was drinking and put it on my tab. Yes! I have become bold! When the waiter pointed out who bought it he and his friends (in a completely NON SUBTLE way I might add) turned around to see who had purchased him a drink. I waved politely and smiled and figured I was done at that. NOPE. He came over to say hello and thank you. Turns out his name is Sean and he's a pharmacist. He was very nice and even more handsome when he smiled. He found it insanely intriguing that I work for a winery and I really should have used that to more of my advantage.

*I've decided that me working for a winery could get me more ass than I even imagined. I didn't realize the impact until last night. Here's to the future...

Point gun at foot. Pull Trigger.

I pretty much shot myself in the foot. Romantically speaking. In This Post I talk about This Guy and how he's actually been doing some nice things for me that are very unusual for him. Well we spent a bunch of time together around xmas and right before New Year's. We had discussed earlier last year how we were both ok with whatever our situation was (friends with "benefits") and that it would be just that. Sound good right?
Well, no.
Because I went ahead and got way too attached to him. Again.

I know that I should not even attempt to make it go anywhere, I shouldn't even have let it go where it did, but I've never been one with good self control and let's face it, I want what I want. Things slowly started turning from 'friends that have sex occasionally' to going out to meals, getting drinks and him going as the date for my Winery Christmas Party. (Which might I add he drove 4.5 hours to be at and then drove back home the same amount of time the next morning) He came over for a drunken midnight dance party and then the next night we went to see a concert together and then fell asleep with hardly a kiss or two. He bought me a LOVELY silk scarf (with shakespeare's sonnets on it!) for Christmas and made sure I called him when I opened it and had the roommie take pictures of my reaction when he couldn't be there to watch. I think I know deep down inside that his actions changing have more to do with him growing up and just being more considerate towards his friends than him wanting to date me. He doesn't want to be someone's boyfriend and probably not mine but I can't stop the feelings of something under the surface when he looks at me or when we lay in bed discussing things until 2 am. I feel *something* there but knowing my luck with men, it's probably just indigestion...